Given all that is going on in our World, I am guessing you’ve been wondering how things are going to get to a better?
Every time I ask that question, the word that comes through loud and clear is ‘LISTEN.’
Last blog, we were talking about listening to ourselves and how it can help us grow and evolve. I shared about my internal struggle with working and parenting and how I eventually learned to listen to the two sides.
The two sides were ideals I was taught to strive for by my family, school and culture. Those two internalized voices – the ‘Be a Perfect Mom’ voice and the ‘Have a Successful Career voice’ were begging for my attention because they are at odds with one another. The tug-o-war caused pain and confusion.
Dismantling internalized messages, asking ‘who’s voice is that and do I want to listen?’ Plus gut checking if they are voices I want at the steering wheel now – is and was work.
But doing the work is the difference between living your life on your own terms and accidentally living someone else’s dream. It’s worth it.
Internalizing stuff from others can be harmful… but not always.
So then, when is LISTENING to others a wise choice?
At best, a conversation is like a tapestry getting woven without a clear destination of what will be made, but with good will and the desire to create something better guiding the way. When we’re successful, we end up with something far more beautiful and original than we might have created on our own.
But back to those pesky Internalized messages or cultural ‘norms’- they blindly guide us, our thoughts, our action, our choices. It is the water we are in – the culture, the home, the school systems, the laws, the history.
We don’t even know they are there until…
We are in pain or we hear someone else cry out in pain.
I grew up in the Northeast. We like to do what is called ‘layered speaking.’ We interrupt the person speaking when we are super excited about a thought. We openly disagree. We are not conflict adverse – so we argue without thinking it is bad. It is just my cultural way of getting to a better understanding. I’m not saying it’s good or best, it just is what it is.
My husband didn’t grow up in the Northeast. He does not like to be interrupted. He likes for us to take turns speaking. My colleague calls this ‘podium’ speaking – each person takes a turn. No interruptions.
While I think that interrupting is a way to show my care and interest and enthusiasm, he gets frustrated because he forgets what he was about to say when I interrupted him.
You can you imagine what happens when we disagree and need to talk about something we are emotional about?
We get frustrated, we hope the other person will change, we leave the room, we hope the other person will come to see we are right, we get louder, we get quiet. We feel angry. We feel shame. We forget about it until the next time.
But eventually, if it keeps coming up – we try to listen to the other person’s perspective. We try to come around to see another point of view and find a 3rd way forward that we create together.
As I said in the Vlog, I am uncomfortable often these days.
Many months back, when white men, in The United States, were marching into government buildings carrying weapons, I wondered about what was really going on with them. Yes, they had an outside message but what was going on inside? What pain was driving them? Then there were the 10’s of thousands of Protestors calling the Nation’s attention to the murders of Black Americans. I wanted to know what emotions they were feeling too. There was a loud outcry of pain. I listened. I still am.
But it is not easy to listen to and observe all the pain or to feel the pain ourselves.
No matter where we stand politically, as a Human, we hear the cries, we see these actions and they get our attention. They make us uncomfortable.
I am so grateful for this discomfort.
Our collective discomfort gives me HOPE.
Our discomfort is a sign.
Physical, mental, and emotional pain is a signal that something is wrong, that something that you are doing or that you are experiencing is not working, not healthy, and certainly not optimal.
Pain also means that your Body and Mind know that there is a better option. You would not notice the pain if you didn’t know that there was something better.
So why does it feel so hard sometimes?
Pain is our Body and Mind’s way of making that message clear and trying to get your attention. It is saying “Hey you over here! I am hurting. Please try something else other than what you have been doing.”
Pain is also your Nervous System’s way of protecting and preserving you from further damage. It is a warning that if you just keep going forward the way you have been, nothing will get better and it will likely get worse.
Imagine what would happen if we did not experience physical pain? Would it be utopia? Nope. Without pain we would not know when to stop doing something or when something was not working. We would tear ourselves limb from limb.
What if we did not experience emotional pain?
Again, we would hurt others often. We would be totally confused about why people didn’t want to be around us or in relationship with us. We would end up isolated and disconnected. We would not know love.
Given that pain is trying to help us – what do we do when we experience pain or discomfort? We try to do things to make it stop hurting right?!
But what do we do when we can’t make it go away?
Often we try to slap a band-aid on it. And in the end it is like putting tape on a leaky pipe, it may hold for a little while. Fingers crossed. But…not forever. And the pain returns.
What do we do when the answer or cure for the pain is NOT obvious? I have felt this way at times given the current situation in The United States. Have you?
We can react actively – defending our position, justifying the problem, or minimizing the issue. Or our response can look passive by disassociation, numbing out, spacing out and denial.
That is what I was describing doing with my husband when we couldn’t see eye to eye.
‘I am right. You are wrong. This is not a big deal. Get over it. Let’s just forget about it and move on. It is not really a problem. We are fine.’
There is another way – a better way to move ahead.
There is a way that we can allow the pain to help us grow and change. We can allow it to grow our connection and care for ourselves and others.
That other way requires a Body and Mind that has the capacity to act in a new way instead of solely on the past and history. In other words, you need a nervous system that is not actively in Fight, Flight or Freeze. It takes a Body and Mind that can LISTEN.
Fight, flight and freeze is our alarm system. It acts based on the past. It doesn’t pause and reflect or think and analyze. It acts…quickly.
The other part of the Autonomic Nervous System – called Parasympathetic or ‘Rest and Digest’ – allows us to feel safe, relaxed and able to connect with others. It is also what allows us to feel like we can reflect on the past, analyze, be creative, and make new choices. Sounds good, huh?
The two parts- The Rest and Digest and The Fight, Flight, Freeze are in a relationship at all times. You can’t turn them off. Fortunately, we can BALANCE them.
For example – you can do very small movements with your hands that get your Nervous System’s attention and soothe it. There is a huge amount of your Brain’s real estate dedicated to your hands – move them in a certain gentle way while guiding your attention and in minutes, you can create Rest and Digest Dominance. Your Body is the fastest route for calming the nervous system and gaining balance.
When the Body Mind Nervous System is balanced we can trust that the Rest and Digest is guiding us, our hearts and minds, in a moment to moment way AND that our Fight, Flight and Freeze is ready to act on our behalf if and when there is real danger.
If you want to see this in action and the amazing things it can lead to – PLEASE READ THIS STORY. It took place during a Black Lives Matter Protest in Nevada. There were armed counter protestors who said they turned out to defend the 2nd amendment and chanted “All Lives Matter.” But after a few hours of the two groups shouting their beliefs, a small group of people from The Black Lives Matter Protest crossed the street. Is your heart racing just reading this?
“What ended up transpiring, I don’t think either one of us saw happening,” said Ryan (was a Second Amendment Counter Protestor).
https://www.newsweek.com/kkk-black-lives-matter-protest-fallon-nevada-1510130
“The parties came across each other’s line. And they said they come in peace. So I said if you come in peace, then give me a hug. And the next thing I know we were having a civilized conversation, educating each other.”
“It’s kind of amazing what one hug can do sometimes,” said Ryan.
In a Facebook post discussing the protest, Ryan added: “We spoke for over an hour sharing or opinions and beliefs. We actually found we agree on more than we disagree on. Thanks to all the BLM protesters for being peaceful and open-minded.”
Just think what we could make if we could create a world together? Just imagine what moving forward might look like? Do you feel the hope?
I want to move forward with change in a way that does not leave anyone behind. I hope you will join me.
Faith in you always.
Astra
