Does giving to yourself or giving to others make for a better world?
In the Northern Hemisphere as the days grow shorter and darker, many of us are preparing to give. I have been thinking a lot about what happens when we give to others and what happens when we give to ourselves.
Here are the extremes I have seen in myself and in others (many people lie somewhere in the middle):
One end of the spectrum are people who say things like “I don’t like holidays or celebrations. It is just not my thing. I don’t care. Bah humbug!” They write it off and distance themselves from the connection and celebration. They often feel a little like outsiders in this world.
On the other end of the spectrum are the people who give and give and give. They can make it look easy, even flawless, but eventually, usually behind closed doors, they collapse. They have given until they are worn out, sick, tired, over spent, and depleted. Often they cannot enjoy their lives if they are not giving. And when they are not giving, they are plagued by guilt. They say to themselves ‘how can I rest or enjoy life when there is so much need in the world? These folks give while ignoring how they feel.
In the first scenario the Bah Humbug folks – many of those people do not want to give because they have had an experience where they are burn out from caring for others, or had boundaries crossed a lot as children and never got to attend to their own needs. They had to take care of others more than they felt they could care for themselves. When they get to the point in their adult lives where they can choose, they choose to be alone. It’s easier.
In the second scenario, the Give Until You Drop folks – many of those people are also looking for something – it is often a sense of being valued and appreciated by others. We all want that. But when we give until it exhausts us or depletes our bank accounts, we are placing someone else’s needs above our own. Which is just another way of saying ‘you matter more than me.’
This usually comes from internalized familial and cultural messages about what makes a person valued and valuable. They internalized messages is “a good person gives to others” or something like that. They got a message that their value in the world was to give in order to receive, so they just keep on doing it.
Sadly, neither scenario really lands us in a very happy or satisfying place. Most of us rotate between these depending on the situation we find ourselves in. 😳
We have an innate human need to stand in our own selves, to be our own independent person with boundaries and values we choose to live by AND we have an equally strong innate need to make a contribution to the world. We need both 👍👍
The Bah Humbug folks – they are good at paying attention to one of their needs – the need to take care of themselves, but they are missing the other need which is to contribute and connect.
While the Give till you Drop folks – are missing out on the the self care part, knowing their own worth is internal and deep regardless of what they can give.
When we orient to ourselves – when we build our self awareness, when we build our capacity to trust in what our bodies are trying to tell us – if we choose to listen – we become more in tune and better able to care for ourselves, to seek what we need and want. From that place, we really connect to and transform how we give in the world.
The key first step? Orienting your attention to yourself – with awareness and insight. instead of just acting the way we always have, we begin to have choice.
I am blessed to live in a community full of artists and have many friends who are artists. This year a couple of women I love have given me beautiful handmade gifts. When they handed the gift to me – I had a moment of surprise. I was delighted that they were giving me something… and I did not have a gift for them.
In the past, this could have been the start of a shame spiral.I would have felt embarrassed. Made excuses. Not really allowed myself to feel the warmth and love of receiving because I was too busy being embarrassed that I didn’t have a gift to give back.
Instead, I chose to receive and to feel the joy of receiving. It feels so good. ❤️I’ve been practicing this a while and I am starting to get good at it. It is almost my new default habit. 🤣
This year with these women, it is my year to receive and say thank you. After all they are not giving to me so I give them a gift. They are giving me a gift because of how it feels to them to give. And I am choosing to receive their generosity with grace.
As I prepare my children’s Christmas stockings or make pomanders for my neighbors this week, I vow only to do what I can while the process is enjoyable. I will attend to myself, my needs and my need to give and we will just see where it all lands. Maybe it will ‘all get done’ and maybe only half of it will. The outcome does not matter. It is the process that counts.
The more present I can be to myself, the more presence I can share with others. And presence = the real present.
Please join me. 💜
I am incessantly thought about this, thanks for posting.