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| My youngest child read 15 novels, in addition to school, as part of a national book competition this year. He was captivated by the setting in a few books – Central Park, Grand Central Station, Ellis Island, Brooklyn, and Harlem. “Mom, have I been to Grand Central? Have I ever seen…?” “Yes but you were very young. “ I was so relieved that he had something exciting to look forward to during a tough school year of remote learning. I agreed to take him to NYC as soon as it was safe. My best friend offered for us to stay in her apartment.. Much sooner than I anticipated, I was planning a trip. Was it SAFE to go? During the planning days, my husband, my Mom, and friends shared their opinion. They were not all on the same page. There would be no way for me to decide based on what they thought (there would be no way to please all of them either). When I am nervous or upset (even if I am also excited), I try to tune in and listen to myself. “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle. What did he mean? Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom? We are both independent and social relational social creatures. Our lives depend on others and on ourselves, our decisions and actions. That is wonderful and amazing – makes for fun and love and lots of incredible experiences. It can also make for a feeling lost and confused or at least conflicted on a good day. Can we know ourselves, take into consideration our own wants and needs and be considerate of others? Google the phrase ‘social nervous system’ and here is what you get… “The Social Nervous System is something that we all know about intuitively, to a greater or lesser degree. When someone makes eye contact with you and gives you a warm smile, both of your Social Nervous Systems are being engaged.” There is a theory about the nervous system that Stephen Porges proposes – instead of breaking the nervous system into 2 categories – the parasympathetic and sympathetic, He adds a third, the social nervous system. Some researchers propose that women, who usually have more estrogen than men, have stronger, more wired social nervous systems. They propose that the social nervous system enables women to bond, nourish and protect babies. It also works to protect intact groups like families, tribes and communities. But what happens when there is a reason to want to do something distinct of the group? Have you ever felt like you don’t want to cause disruption to the group? Most of us have. When I decided to give my TEDx talk, I was in this position. Keep everyone happy doing what we had been doing, or do something that I felt personally called to do? I did a LOT of soul searching. I spent weeks thinking about who I might affect by publicly speaking about shared private lives. When I had applied to give a talk, I had a certain intention, but it had not occurred to me how many people I would worry I might hurt or upset. And beside making problems or a mess for anyone else, I also feared for myself. What if some people were so mad they turned their back on me? Was I willing to risk certain relationships? In case you didn’t know – I am an independent full grown adult. I do not count on my family for any childcare or financial support. I live hundreds of miles from them. And the thought of losing them haunted me. They are my first ‘intact” group. We could say that ,y social nervous system was wondering “should I make waves or stay the course? “ But there was another voice that was also clear. I knew that if I was going to grow, I needed to take this leap. I needed to metabolize and integrate a huge part of my history by sharing it. I needed to tell my story to strangers. My heart ❤️ races even today thinking about it. I chose to identify the fear and decide if going forward was worth it. It became very clear that it was. Without self awareness, it is easy to confuse other people’s needs with our own. It can all become one big heavy chunk of debris clouding our perceptions of ourselves. Our earliest experiences we had with our first ‘in tact group (family/caregivers) over time signals the nervous system. Even when things are not as good as they could be, it is easy to just keep repeating the same old behaviors because they are known. We have all just experienced a year of immobilization – our NS have been in a kind of freeze state. Our systems are stressed. And while things are opening back up in some parts of the world, this is causing new stresses. In my immediate circle – there is a wide range of opinions about me going to NYC with my child, and also about masking and vaccination. There is literally no way within my social and work circles for me to be in agreement with everyone AND there is no way for me to avoid some conflict and discomfort. We are all establishing new social norms. Go easy. Tune in to your body and listen to what it has to say. What do you want to normalize? What fears are yours? Which fears are someone else’s? Years of practicing Awareness Through Movement has gifted me with clearer self awareness than I used to have. Paying attention to my body has made it EASIER. I am just like you. I have a nervous system. I want to be part of a community while being true to myself. It is possible. A few years ago when I gave my Tedx talk, and again last week, as I sorted through my fears about travel, I gathered information from my members of my trusted in tact group AND I tuned into myself. I hope you will too. There is plenty to navigate and sort out in life – just make sure that whatever you are digesting and sorting through ultimately is yours. Best to you, Astra |
