I recently read that quote in an interview in The New Yorker with Brene Brown.
Have you ever noticed that sometimes when there is pain, there is also a lot of joy and how they can go together?
We are in a time of year in N. America where there are many festivals, holidays and feast days honoring the dead. When we honor the dead, it is a time to reflect on our own lives, our own mortality, honor what came before us, and know that we too are part of this great life cycle.
It can be a time of joy too. 🙃
3 years after my Dad died, I had done a lot of processing and grieving and felt ready for an adventure. I wanted to experience freedom again.
I had always wanted to see the National Parks out west. I love meeting people from other countries. I love adventure. From my desk job in Philadelphia, I applied to be a tour guide for a European trekking company based in northern California. I spent the next 8 months living out of a van, meeting people from Europe and taking them to experience the National parks.
You can imagine that taking 12 strangers from various countries by yourself, driving a van 100s of miles to places you have never been, teaching them how to pitch tents, while organizing hikes and meals – is a lot of work.
It was well worth it.
At each turn in the road, I was filling my soul with natural beauty and sleeping under the stars for weeks at a time. I was healing.
I visited the Grand Canyon 3 times in various weather from dry summer heat to snow on golden aspen leaves. The first time I peaked over the rim and looked out, seeing the colored waves and swirls in the rocks, showing me that water was once there… that is when it hit me!
My place in the universe was tiny. I felt a huge relief.
I had been in so much pain for so many years. And in that moment of geological awe, I felt both the insignificance and the significance of my life. The scale of my life, just how much had come before me and how much would follow after me, was clear. It was not depressing. It was liberating.
Nature shows us the scale of time in seasons and in scope. Nothing grows all the time. There are cycles with every living thing. We have periods that are hard, or where things need to die and be composted. We have times where we grow, expand and flourish.
The capitalist economy and the culture surrounding it asks for constant growth. Yet, nothing natural behaves this way. When we pay attention, we know that. We see it.
A few weeks ago some friends decided to build a temple from scrap wood. They wanted to build something to recognize all that we have lived through with the Plague aka Covid.
They built it with a lot of care over a few weeks. It was exquisite. We were all invited to put notes in it with things we wanted to leave in the past, and honor those who have died.
Then, we all gathered at night. They lit it on fire. 🔥
It was amazing. There was so much joy and celebration that came from the grief.
(see it on Instagram @astracoyle)
Just like my experience of my pain from my Father’s death. They took something hard, and out of it created beauty, an opportunity for joy and an experience of pure wonder.
Pay attention to what you feel. What you feel is different from your emotions (while those are good to notice too). Pay attention to your body’s sensations. You already know that your body has a cycle of energy in a given day. Your body is part of the natural world too. Consider listening.
If you do look at the Instagram photos – you will see the last picture of pure wonder on the faces of kids. That is what it is like to feel all the feelings. 🔥💜
“A future worth contemplating,
will not be achieved
solely by flights
to the far side of the
moon.
It will not be found in
space.
It will be achieved,
If
it is achieved at all,
only in
our
individual hearts.” – Loren Eisley
I wish you strength and love,
Astra
