| At its best a large family gathering is fun, full of laughter and connection. If it is going to be challenging, the least it can do is provide insight, growth or a new way of seeing things. Visiting with my extended family over Thanksgiving was both. And it got me thinking about attachment to a point of view, to ‘my perspective’, when I am willing to see things in a new way or when I feel attached to my view and how that all lands in human bodies and nervous systems. My plan was to have ‘the talk’ with everyone about respectful boundaries regarding covid era health (see previous post). The outcome was a mixed bag. My boundary and what was comfortable for me did not land well with a sibling. I was upset by it, but not surprised because we have a long history of challenges when I try to set boundaries or state my opinion. I tried to enter into the conversations with an open mind and a lot of hope that maybe things would be different – easier maybe. I was nervous, but I tried to soften my belly and jaw and breath and step forward. In Somatic Education we say, “State proceeds story.”This means is that the state of the body/nervous system will inform the view we have of the world and the experiences we have with people, and the environment. Think about a highly anxious person you know (perhaps yourself). Are they an optimist? Not likely. When anxiety becomes a dominant pattern in the nervous system, we look for what could go wrong or is wrong in any given situation. And you know what? We find it. We are looking for it. In other words, our nervous system is in a tizzy so we look around for the chaos that matches our internal state. The really crazy part – if we don’t find it, we create the chaos. Why? Because it is a habit loop we are stuck in. So if it doesn’t exist, we will unconsciously recreate it because it is how we know ourslves to be, to exist and to live. State proceeds story. Now that state – be it anxiety, fear, tension, sleeplessness (you name it) came from somewhere. In other words, the person had REAL experiences of having their personal boundaries crossed in life or they had a significant trauma or repeated low level trauma. It can be personal or cultural. Doesn’t matter – it lands in the body and nervous system the same way. Remember last time when I said that “boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and you can love me.” BTW – I found out that it was the brilliant Prentis Hemphill who said that. Each and every one of us has had our boundaries crossed and we have crossed someone else’s. This means that often we are not reacting to what’s happening in the moment with a person. We are reacting to the person based on something from our past – either with that specific person or situation or because of another one that is resembles. And the same is true for whoever we are interacting with. Every single one of us. If state proceeds story, what can we do to get out of this cycle? How can our relationships improve? If we just look at anxiety, for example, lucky for us it is a frontal brain issue. Frontal Brain = learned habit. And it can be ‘unlearned’ in a sense and replaced with another habit. Sure to survive you need to have a certain amount of fear, and caution in the world, but when you are only sorting for what could go wrong? Well, life is NO fun at all. The boundary setting challenge I had over the holiday was of no surprise to me. But I was aware that I wanted to allow for the possibility of something different to happen. I went into the interaction nervous, a little tense, but hopeful. By the time I was in the throws of the hard conversation, I was clenching my jaw, tightening my belly and shortening my breath. It was not a conscious choice. But I could feel it happening – and being able to do that, to stick with what I was physically feeling allowed me stay present. It allowed me to stick with something hard. That is how the nervous system works. Part of me wanted to run (racing heart), part of me wanted to fight (the jaw clenching). And I also knew I could pay attention, stick with it, since my safety was not under present threat. When you can sense and feel your body in the present moment, you have choice. You are not just acting impulsively out of your past story and state. And this is how things begin to change. When you have awareness of what you feel, you are not just acting out of your past anymore. I was scared and worried on many levels – calculating lots of things at once. I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s holiday gathering and I also wanted to set a boundary that allowed me and my kids to feel safe and healthy. You can learn to track what is happening in your body and in your ‘State’ while simultaneously being in challenging situations. In the moments to follow the tough interaction, I reached out to my people. Remember the social nervous system? We will first run to the group for safety. In my case it meant talking to my husband, texting relatives who would understand what I was dealing with and crying to my sister. Having that support and allowing myself a good cry, enabled me to move on. It helped me process the stress and to come into another nervous system ‘state.’ Changing my state, enabled me to change my story. Instead of clenching my jaw through the whole gathering, white knuckling my way through the whole dinner, I was able to be present and actually have fun. I was not super relaxed, but I was able to enjoy myself. I wish for you to know what it is you feel and sense. For you or me in different situation or the same one on another day– maybe I/you would leave instead. Who knows? There is no one RIGHT way to respond. I’m just looking for improvements, for growth, for change. It was a win to stick with something hard and to be able to move on. I have not always be able to do that. If something hard comes up in your life, simply notice where it lands in your body. Don’t try to change it. If your breath shortens and your belly and jaw tightens – it is for a reason. Maybe the reason is in your past or maybe it is present. Just notice it. Track it for a minute. And when possible, connect to someone for support – even by text or with eye contact and touch if you can. Wishing you the best, Astra |
