| I’m guessing you are someone who pursues growth. Do you ever make mistakes along the way? Are mistakes frustrating? Have you ever considered making them on purpose? Learning never happens on a clear continuum. We end up going down rabbit holes that don’t lead us directly to our goal. Sometimes, even when we stay on the path, we end up stepping on a rock we didn’t see and bruising our foot. Do you value your mistakes? Or do you disparage them and yourself for making them? Brene Brown has an excellent audio book called “Men, Women, and Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough” The book examines cultural messages men and women receive in society and the role of shame. Brene says “messages and expectations that bring us to our knees, are so organized by gender. You know, for women, it’s really about do it all, do it perfectly and make sure you make it look effortless.” She uses an example from the movie Flashdance. It’s a film about a woman who’s a welder by day and a dancer by night. She dreams of going to a ballet school. In the movie there’s a scene where the lead character auditions for ballet school. She not only performs incredible ballet moves, but also hip hop during her audition.The filming of that scene took eight different actors to perform all the parts and make it look like the one character! Most women are doing this on a regular basis. Have you ever been to a dinner party or hosted one yourself. I know I have said ‘oh this little thing (meal, dress, clean house), it’s nothing. SO glad you could make it.” That’s about hosting, but even when we are trying to learn something new, even when we are trying to grow, we often pretend something is easier than it is. Wanting to appear perfect is a huge trigger for women. It is a huge trap. It leaves us alone, screwing up and striving for perfection, then connecting when we have it all under wraps. 💝 Brene also says ” For men, there’s a really kind of singular, suffocating expectation and that is do not be perceived as weak. So for men, the perception of weakness is often very shaming.” The cultural job for men is to “fix it” Combine the two and men are suppose to fix it without experiencing weakness. Again this leaves men keeping their fears and weakness to themselves. |
| Neither message allows much room for learning and growth while being witnessed or in relationship to others. Yet, before you were an adult, you made mistakes and experienced your weaknesses all the time. You were once a baby after all. Babies are intrinsically motivated by desire for some thing or some experience. Thankfully they are not as susceptible to messages about how to perform for others. Babies are more self referential and less socialized. Yes, they are dependent and this does influence how and what they seek, but the seeking and experimentation, if uninterrupted is a natural occurrence. Babies have a desire, and they pursue it – be it a strawberry or a cat. For 4-6 months they experiment and learn to roll over so they can get that object of desire. The pleasure, ease of movement, and effectiveness of the actions are the measures the nervous system uses. When frustration arises, it is not because of a judgement in their heads about themselves and their failure. It certainly isn’t because they are self-conscious that they look weak or imperfect. What if you could disentangle your learning and your desire to change from shame and your desire to appear perfect or strong? What if we could do that in our societies? We shift our belief of who we are and what we are capable of through experience. The more you experience yourself doing and acting a certain way, they more you can build that into a self image. In a typical Awareness Through Movement Lesson MISTAKES are built into the process. Why? Because the mistake allows the nervous system to compare and contrast the experience with another experience. I have had professional dancers break down in tears during a class or leave because their training to perform and move a certain way was so deeply ingrained in their concept of who they are and how they are valued in the world, they had a hard time giving that up. They felt tremendous grief or frustration when asked to move for how it felt to their sense and body. Overtime, they learned to separate out the ‘it feels good to perform perfectly and make movements that look pretty” from “this feels better and is more physically pleasing for my sensations and to my experience of myself.” We all have those things to puzzle out. Just ask Brene Brown 😉 Practicing, iterating, experimenting, and playing while paying attention to yourself and your movement is a skill. The part of us that learned in a self referential way as babies is still within us and very much alive and ready to learn. The really cool part? If we learn that skill in one setting, we can take it into the whole of our lives. Recently a few young people have told me things that worry me. They say that there are things they think, they cannot tell anyone. They say there are ways they must become perfect in order to become a parent. They are talking about cancel culture. It breaks my heart.❤️ How did we get here? How did we get to a place where the parts of us that craves learning and dialog and desires growth – is too unsightly for others to hear and see? I really don’t know. But I am guessing we are pawns in a bigger game that was not created for our direct benefit. It is a form of societal control. The truth of who we are is complex and nuanced. Our brains and our minds often put experiences in categories. That was good or bad. That person was good or bad. What I did was good or bad. Our minds seek simplicity for good reason, it makes for quick decisions. Quick decisions are helpful when we were fighting off wild animals or hunting. but now we live in spaces where with one quick stroke of the keyboard or text, you can act impulsively. Quick is not always an asset. Most situations and people, ourselves included, are a mix of better and worse decisions and actions.To be able to see ourselves, and the nuances, we often have to slow down and shift our relationship to perfectionism, to simple agendas of right and wrong. Babies let you see them sweat. They let you see them lose it. When we are together in a workshop or class, even if it is online, we are doing this as well. We are learning together, humanly and imperfectly. While I think doing this exploration on your own is useful, I think it is even more potent when you do it in community with others. When we step out of moving forward or moving quickly, when we explore and experiment with mistakes as a means to learn and change, then we heal. We grow in compassionate for ourselves and learn to extend that to others. Consider making mistakes. Consider being kind to yourself while striving for change. Please. Thank you. Astra |
