Author: astracoyle

 This year, just after cutting down our Christmas tree and placing it in the stand, I started to have a clear allergic reaction. 🤪I was so bummed. I looked online – people suggested hosing it down.Why use a hose when you have a beautiful river? We washed our tree in the water, clearing it of allergens.🙌🏽It worked!
Wouldn’t it be great if you could learn how to
wash your Body, Mind and Heart 
of the 2020 gunk?

YOU CAN ❤️
Join me this Sunday for a small group workshop. We will explore how moving your body can help you move on from your past experiences. Learn how to take what is good and shake free of the stuff that drains your energy, depletes you, holds you back, and keeps you small. When you do this, not only will you discover the good stuff  that already exists within you, but you will also make room for more to grow. 💪🏽

It is easier than you think. I will teach about the life cycle of emotions and their relationship to the bodymind. This will not be scary stuff – this will be pleasurable movement.It does NOT have to be a conscious process where you mine the depths for stories. It truly can be as simple as moving with attention and awareness. I promise. 

What you will learn:

• how stress lands in the body + a way to move it out of your body. 
• movements that quiet and restore your bodymind 
• movements that grow the good you want to feel.

What you will need:

• a flat place to lie down
• a space to walk in (can be small)
• a computer/phone with a camera
• a free zoom account
• something to write in and with

We will explore a slow quiet turning inward, mixed with bigger more physical movements. Being able to get up and down from the floor (with a chair is fine) + an ability to walk are needed for this workshop. 

 Please email me @ astracoyle@gmail.com to reserve your space. You will receive a registration confirmation email and a link for making electronic payment. If you don’t hear from me, the workshop is full. 

THANK YOU FOR BEING A WONDERFUL PART OF MY 2020. I am so grateful. Let’s end on a good note. 

Does giving to yourself or giving to others make for a better world?

In the Northern Hemisphere as the days grow shorter and darker, many of us are preparing to give. I have been thinking a lot about what happens when we give to others and what happens when we give to ourselves. 

Here are the extremes I have seen in myself and in others (many people lie somewhere in the middle):

One end of the spectrum are people who say things like “I don’t like holidays or celebrations. It is just not my thing. I don’t care. Bah humbug!” They write it off and distance themselves from the connection and celebration. They often feel a little like outsiders in this world.

On the other end of the spectrum are the people who give and give and give. They can make it look easy, even flawless, but eventually, usually behind closed doors, they collapse. They have given until they  are worn out, sick, tired, over spent, and depleted. Often they cannot enjoy their lives if they are not giving. And when they are not giving, they are plagued by guilt. They say to themselves ‘how can I rest or enjoy life when there is so much need in the world?  These folks give while ignoring how they feel.

In the first scenario the Bah Humbug folks  – many of those people do not want to give because they have had an experience where they are burn out from caring for others, or had boundaries crossed a lot as children and never got to attend to their own needs. They had to take care of others more than they felt they could care for themselves. When they get to the point in their adult lives where they can choose, they choose to be alone. It’s easier.

In the second scenario, the Give Until You Drop folks –  many of those people are also looking for something – it is often a sense of being valued and appreciated by others. We all want that. But when we give until it exhausts us or depletes our bank accounts, we are placing someone else’s needs above our own. Which is just another way of saying ‘you matter more than me.’ 

This usually comes from internalized familial and cultural messages about what makes a person valued and valuable. They internalized messages is  “a good person gives to others” or something like that. They  got a message that their value in the world was to give in order to receive, so they just keep on doing it.

Sadly, neither scenario really lands us in a very happy or satisfying place. Most of us rotate between these depending on the situation we find ourselves in. 😳

We have an innate human need to stand in our own selves, to be our own independent person with boundaries and values we choose to live by AND we have an equally strong innate need to make a contribution to the world. We need both 👍👍

The Bah Humbug  folks – they are good at paying attention to one of their needs – the need to take care of themselves, but they are missing the other need which is to contribute and connect.

While the Give till you Drop folks – are missing out on the the self care part, knowing their own worth is internal and deep regardless of what they can give.

When we orient to ourselves – when we build our self awareness, when we build our capacity to trust in what our bodies are trying to tell us –  if we choose to listen – we become more in tune and better able to care for ourselves, to seek what we need and want. From that place, we really connect to and transform how we give in the world.

The key first step?  Orienting your attention to yourself – with awareness and insight. instead of just acting the way we always have, we begin to have choice. 

 I am blessed to live in a community full of artists and have many friends who are artists. This year a couple of women I love have given me beautiful handmade gifts. When they handed the gift to me – I had a moment of surprise. I was delighted that they were giving me something… and I did not have a gift for them.

In the past, this could have been the start of a shame spiral.I would have felt embarrassed.  Made excuses.  Not really allowed myself  to feel the warmth and love  of receiving  because I was too busy being embarrassed that I  didn’t  have a gift to give back. 

Instead, I chose to receive and to feel the joy of receiving. It feels so good.  ❤️I’ve been practicing this a while and I am starting to get good at it. It is almost my new default habit. 🤣

This year with these women,  it is my year to receive and say thank you. After all they are not giving to me so I give them a gift. They are giving me a gift because of how it feels to them to give. And I am choosing  to receive their generosity with grace.

As I prepare my children’s Christmas stockings or make pomanders for my neighbors this week, I vow only to do what I can while the process is enjoyable. I will attend to myself, my needs and my need to give and we will just see where it all lands. Maybe it will ‘all get done’ and maybe only half of it will. The outcome does not matter. It is the process that counts.

The more present I can be to myself,  the more presence I can share with others. And presence = the real present.
Please join me. 💜

First,  a very warm welcome to new readers. We are now a community spanning 6 continents. So exciting 👯‍♀️👯‍♀️👯‍♀️. I am honored that you are here. 

I have heard from brave, beautiful people who are stressed. Many have  asked me how long their discomfort will last? How long will it take to feel better again? 
 
You can feel better right now.  Really. 
 
You do not need to look far to find someone telling you to participate in self care these days. Is self care soft sweatpants? Sometimes. Is it eating a delicious meal? Sometimes. Is it exercising and sweating? Sometimes. Is it doing yoga and meditating? Sometimes. Is it sleeping? Sometimes. Is it crying? Sometimes. Is it dancing? Sometimes.
 
The heart of self care is attention to yourself. It is so simple that we can be quick to dismiss it.We can run around looking for more when what we need is right in front of us.  And when we dismiss it – we miss the chance to feel better.
 
Wherever you live on this beautiful planet –  it does not matter how much money you have or don’t have, how big or small a space you live in, how complicated or simple your day to day life is – you have all you need to begin.
 
 All you need to do is notice what your Body wants and to be willing to act on it where it feels safe.  
 
Here’s one simple way to orient your attention to your Body. 
Notice your breath coming in through your nostrils with cooler air coming in and warmer air leaving your nostrils. Can you feel that? It is okay if you can’t. You don’t need to change how you breathe. Just notice. 
 
Now simply notice that you are breathing and what moves as a result of your breath. You do not need to change anything. Breathe in a simple ordinary everyday way.
 
If you find yourself wanting to breathe the ‘right way’ or the way someone told you was the right way – you just notice that impulse to do that. Give yourself permission to be just as you are. Breathing, feeling and being just as you are. There is nothing to change. Nowhere to go.
 
Can you notice the air coming in your nostrils while you look around at the room you are in?
 
Can you notice your breath moving your body? What moves? Don’t make anything move. Simply notice what moves.
 
Does your abdomen move as you breathe? If so, is it below your belly button or above it? Or both? Does your chest move? If so, is it in your upper chest, shoulders, shoulder blades that you feel a sensation of the breath there? Do you feel anything in your neck?  
 
There is nowhere to go and nothing to do. You do not need to make anything happen. If you don’t feel something, you just notice that. The only work is in attending to yourself and your sensations.
 
Now notice if you are making an effort in your tongue, your jaw, your shoulders, your neck, your abdomen. Do you need to make that effort right now? Play around with letting go of that effort for a moment. When you let go of that effort does your breath move someplace new? Do you feel anything new?
 
Return to the sensation of the air coming in your nostrils with a soft jaw and soft tongue.
How do you feel now? Did your breath change when you let go of the muscular effort?
 
I could go on and on here – but you get the idea I hope. Self care is really about attention to yourself.😇
 
You can do this in the way I just walked you through – or at any given moment in your day – check in with your sensations, check in with your body and ask your body “what does it want or need to do?  
 
Maybe you need go the bathroom? Do you really need to ignore that and wait longer? Maybe you want to take a walk or to allow your eyes to take in the room around you?  Maybe you want to jump up and down, shake, dance, laugh and smile. Try it. Listen and follow your impulses.
.
 Start where it is easy. Begin where you can be successful and go from there. For example, it is good to burp when you need to burp. If you don’t feel comfortable burping (some cultures take joy in this and some think it is gross to do publicly;-) – but if you live in one where it is not considered socially acceptable to burp out loud, then start with something easier. What would it be like to allow yourself to burp when you are alone?  
 
Allow yourself to build success. If you are stressed out around certain things or people – don’t expect to start there. Start where you can – maybe while you are alone? or with a trusted person? or with a beloved pet? Where does it feel like you can begin to pay attention to yourself and act on what your body wants to do in that moment? Start there.
 
Building a relationship with yourself, knowing yourself and trusting yourself to know what you need is key to growth and evolving. It is the key to living the life you desire.
 
Many of us have spent a lifetime not paying attention to our needs – it can feel like a lot to unpack. Start small. You’ve got this.
 
Just now (truly) my kids came and said “Mommy come look it is snowing!” We bundled up in our jackets and my son began to jump up and down. We all joined in –  jumping up and down with joy watching the snow fall by the light of the full moon. 🌕 🤩 
 
Listening, allowing and expressing with the body – it really is that simple. And it really can feel that good.  
 
Long ago, I arrived at a meditation retreat after traveling for a day to get there. The next day, during morning meditation the teacher could see how tired we were. She said ‘sleep if you need sleep.’ I laughed to myself. Really I thought? I took time off from work. I saved money to pay for this. I want to be a good student. But my eyelids were heavy.
 
She gave me permission to attend to what my body needed.  That was a profound moment for me. I slept instead of attending every session.  I learned that I could rest and still get what I needed from the retreat.
 
I offer that to you. Orient to your body. Forget all you think you should do. Notice what you want to do? There is no prescription. Keep checking in with how you feel in your body and respond when and where you can.  
 
Sometimes what we want to do what is challenging. And sometimes what we need is rest or laughter or to burp 🤣. No  matter what,  you are  the only person who can give yourself permission to listen and to act in accordance with what you hear. Give it a try. Let me know what you find out.

Have you been daydreaming in the last couple days?
 
I often find this happens during a change time.  As one friend described it – we’re at that point just after high tide, when the heavy stillness reverses direction. Here, where there is no tide, I notice that the angle of light on the river is shifting and the cherry trees are dropping their leaves.
 
Last night after dinner, I was lucky enough to look up and watch in amazement as the night hawks flew overhead, beginning their trip back to South America. It got me thinking about dreaming and our hopes about where we want to go, who we want to be and what we want for the World.
  
Moshe Feldenkrais said “When you know what you’re doing, you can do what you want.”  In other words, you have to know where you are now and what you are up to in order to know what is needed to change to get where you want to be. But there is even more to it than that…
 
Most of us have a dream of who we want to be or what we want the world to be and some idea of what we think will get us there. Something personal like – I want to lose weight. I am cutting out all sugar and carbs or I am going to start exercising regularly.
Or maybe the change you seek is on a larger scale – I want Equality and World Peace. So, I am going to find out where I can volunteer my time.
 
No matter the dream, it’s big. We can feel it in our bodies – the flutter if hope. We set our sight high and we leap.  
 
And you know what that kind of mix between hopes, dreams and actions does?
 
It sets us up to fail.
 
3 months after not eating carbs, we are at a birthday party, and there is cake and chips and bread! We have some and feel crappy for breaking our resolution, so we quit all together. Or we get to our ideal weight and we start eating ‘normally’ again and we gain it all back.
 
If what we want is Equity and World Peace we either get so overwhelmed by the enormity of the problem that we work so hard toward it and burnout or we think that no matter what we have done, it is not enough.
 
We are addicted to the highs. The big fast wins. We are addicted to the dopamine. And frankly, we lack the ability to appreciate small sustainable changes that last.
 
But this is not how life works. It is not all big wins.
 
Long standing change happens bit by bit. If it didn’t, do you know what would happen?
 
If you and the world changed overnight as dramatically as you think you hope for – you would have a psychotic break. Really. Our image of our self, our sense of the world, of our reality, needs a certain amount of consistency, a certain thread woven throughout. For us to recognize and know anything, some part has to remain familiar.
 
I want to tell you about a student of mine. He had a terrible accident which caused a long-term issue with his brain. He needed a walker to get around. His new life was in pretty stark contrast to his years living as an athlete and a doctor. The drastic change in his self-image and ability did not cause a psychotic break, but it did cause depression.
 
When he arrived at my office 2 years after the accident and working hard to rehab, the doctors had told him they had done all they could. But, he still had hope, He wanted more. I was his last hope.
 
As we worked together, week in and week out, he was dedicated and diligent. It paid off. He made progress. He went from falling an average of 8 times day down to 3x a day. His eye glass prescription was decreased because double vision was lessening and his eyes were getting better.
 
He still was not satisfied – which is fine and even healthy. The problem was that he wanted his old life back.  And as long as that is what he wanted, he was never going to see how far he had come or the wins he WAS making.
 
The accident had produced a dramatic change, no amount of work with me was going to be able to undo that. Hoping for that is like cracking a plate and gluing in back together and wanting it to be the same. I knew if we kept working together, and he kept doing lessons at home. He would continue to improve, but I also knew he would never have his old life back exactly how it was.
 
Here’s the real problem with that scenario –
if all you want to do is return to your prior state of how you used to feel or if you want to jump ahead to a whole new life – then there’s no room for growth or the continuum. Life is nothing, if not a continuum.
 
It became clear that part of what was going on was that he needed to accept the new him (“When you know what you’re doing, you can do what you want.’) Gradually coming to accept the changes in his life from the accident while not accepting defeat would be key.
 
He needed to find a way to be where he was on the continuum or he would never be willing to see the positive changes that were, in fact, happening. In other words – he would reject any win he made as not good enough. And who wants to live always feeling not good enough? Yet that is what most of us do!
 
I proposed something radical. He needed to figure out a way to say goodbye his old self. Why not hold a ceremony and say an official goodbye to the old him? When I said this, his whole face lit up. He got busy making plans.
 
In the months after that, he started to be able to look at himself more for where he was and for who he was and less at who he used to be. And knowing what he as Moshe would say “was doing” now, allowed him to see the progress he was making.
 
When I work with people, I have tremendous hope for what is possible, but I also understand that for change to happen and get integrated, it must be small and sustainable. For all of us, there’s this incredible balance between holding a big dream and the actionable steps that will get you there. And this takes us back to that dopamine hit….
 
If you want to get better at long term sustainable change, you must build your capacity to NOTICE the small wins, the small differences, the subtle changes of light on water.

The lessons I have shared with you are one of the best ways I have ever found to do this – to build your capacity for recognizing qualitative change.
 
I urge you to have a dream. And if you want to achieve it, think of 1% small sustainable change you can integrate into your life. They are the changes that last. The dopamine hits – the one where you lose 10 lbs. quickly – they don’t last.
 
That is why when you do a lesson – I urge you to do less than you can. Work in the range where it is easy. Build a sound structure you can slowly integrate.  Build sustainably.
 
When I went to the first Women’s March in Washington DC, I was happily marching on behalf of what I believe in. I was in no way there to march against anyone. I was surprised to find many women older than me with signs reading “I can’t believe we are still marching for this!” There was a lot of anger and resentment expressed. Understandably. They had worked hard in the past. They had made change and carried us forward, but there was a mistake in thinking that the work was ever going to be done.
 
Improvements to ANY system will never be done. That’s good news! That means we are still alive. We are on the continuum – change is always available. Things can always get better.
 
What is it you dream of? What is one small step you want to take toward that dream? I’d love to hear from you!  Email me.
 
Learning and improvement will continue each time you do an Awareness Through Movement lesson – even if you do the same one 20x.  You will become more able to detect subtle changes, and subtle improvements. And that ability will give you much more contentment and greater satisfaction than chasing the dopamine. I promise.

(Not signed up to get my newsletter and free lessons? You can do it on this website!)
 
I believe in you,
Astra

I have been writing to you for a few months about the importance of paying attention. I have been urging you to pay attention to what is painful, or uncomfortable. Yeah that’s me – that gal;-) We talked about how painful things will persist and keep coming back to get our attention again and again in the hopes of motivating us to change. It’s hard right? Let’s make it easier.

TODAY LET’S TALK ABOUT WHEN NOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO PAIN..HOORAY!

Sometimes the best thing you can do is ignore the pain, interrupt it, and send it packing. The question is when?

There are 3 things that come to mind –

Scenario 1 – people with persistent chronic physical pain. I am thinking of students I have had students who had multiple surgeries, were on major pain meds, still had pain, and then got off the meds to learn how to live with it. They learned to pay attention to what is not painful, and to what feels good. Overtime they literally grew the pleasure centers of their brain! They taught me so much- especially about the power of taking ownership of where we put our attention. We are not the victims of our lives, our minds, or our emotions or thoughts. We have agency…

Scenario 2 – No control over the situation: Where’s the Agency then? I have an outdoor sitter who’s been hiking with my youngest child part of each week. Where we live in the mountains, July brings storms most afternoons. Last week – it didn’t just storm and pass. It stormed a lot. Every single day.

While my son and sitter were on a 5 hours long hike, there was a big lightning strike. On my end, while at my office, I heard the same lightning strike, then the hail started and the wind began blowing the rain sideways. I tried to call and text them. No luck. I dashed home hoping to find them there. My husband drove to the trail head hoping to find them.   

Pretty soon, thankfully, my son and sitter showed up on our deck, having sprinted the last mile home, shaken but fine. We dried off, debriefed, talked about what they could do differently next time. And eventually my son had a big cry. We all knew we had done our best with what we had control of.

A few days pass, I am back at work, my son is back with his sitter. They are staying closer to home and we have a rain shelter up should they need it. I am starting to wrap up my work, and there it is another huge clap of thunder.

I was worried about my son – not his ‘physical’ health – but his heart and mind. I knew he would be frightened a lot more than usual given what had happened days before. Because of Covid concerns – we are not having anyone outside our immediate family in our house at all. So, I wanted to be sure that the sitter felt safe and that my son did too. I dashed home again.  

A few days pass. I am at work about to leave. Another loud thunder clap. Sky shakes. This time I know everyone can be safely inside, no sitter that day.  But when I hear the thunder, I look at the sky and I get angry. I may have even raised a fist;-) I  was shaken.

Now while it is kind of funny to see me shaking my fist, angry at the sky– it is also not funny. It was a sign that I was way more stressed out than I realized. I mean if I am angry at something I have ZERO control over, I know I am super stressed.  

Here comes my agency…

Irrational anger is a signal that I need to attend to myself, to slow down and recalibrate. Each of us can do things to  build our resilience and balance our nervous system to get out of fight or flight. Something like this video. Try it. (you can get access by signing up for my newseltter below).

Scenario 3: When I am telling myself an old story. Hidden Agency.

Long ago, I was sitting with a Spiritual teacher who was teaching me meditation among other things.  One particular day on my drive to meet my teacher, I heard a story about women in Afghanistan who wrote poetry. It was illegal for them to write it, let alone to share the poems with anyone. So, the women wrote their poems in secret and hid them. Sometimes they sewed the paper into the fabric of their skirts so that they could secretly pass it along to another poet when the moment was right.

The story, was on the radio, and the audio captivated me. By the time I walked in to greet my teacher, I was feeling really sad and guilty about all the freedom and incredible privilege that I had and the lack that these women had. I was guilt ridden knowing I had not done ‘all I could’ with my privilege.

So, when I went I sat down with my teacher, I shared my grief about these women in Afghanistan and my concern that I was not doing enough with the freedom I had.  Her response really surprised me.

She looked at me directly and said “Step out of the drama triangle. You are either the Victim, the Rescuer or the Persecutor. None of them are good roles. They all chase each other around. Step out of that story completely. If you are moved to do something for them, then do something, but don’t pity them. You’re feeling guilty and sad isn’t helping anyone.”

WOW! Did that snap me right out of my mood. Like Cher in Moonstruck – SNAP OUT OF IT! You know the truth when you hear it. It stung, but it helped.

Feeling guilty about what I had – my freedom and privilege and it wasn’t doing me or ANYONE any good. Being angry at the thunder wasn’t doing me any good. But unlike the thunder – I could choose to do something in support of these women if I wanted.

That is what my teacher urged me to consider – did I want to do something about it? Have a fund raiser? Pray?  Or did I just want to keep beating myself up about it? I had the Agency to choose. She showed it to me when I had forgotten.

Act if you are called to act, make an improvement or if there is something you want to or can do, do it.

But if there is nothing to do directly about the situation or what needs doing is not mine to do at that moment – consider making rest and building your resilience, your stillness and your peace a priority. Because let’s face it – one week it’s thunder and lightning and the next, it is something else.

You can find your center and not get spun around in every storm.

Doing a movement practice with YOUR BODY is the fastest and most reliable way to calm your mind, heart and nervous system. When you enter through the Body, you can move out of Fight or Flight and come to your sense in the present moment. In the present moment, when you are not in fight or flight, you are free to act in a new way. And in the present moment, everything is manageable.

It is a practice. All we can do is begin.

Here’s a video to help you come to your senses in the present moment, build your capacity for resilience and calm your mind and heart. (sign up for my newsletter for access to video by email)

Wishing you all the best,

Astra

By this point in the global pandemic – most of us have spent enough time alone, or at least out of our normal routines to have caught a glimpse of our own shortcomings, imperfections, and things we’d rather hide away.

I know I have.

During our pre-pandemic busy day to day lives –this stuff gets covered up and successfully buried under the other stuff. But now, many of us are seeing stuff and parts of ourselves that we may not have realized were there and that make us uncomfortable. It’s up for viewing and there are not too many places to run and hide right?  

Those things that we we’d rather not see in ourselves – we are also seeing in our societies. Some of us are waking up to flaws for the first time. While others of us are saying “I’ve been worried about or dealing with this problem for as long as I can remember.”  

Friends keep warning me “you can’t un-see the Tiger King.” But can we unsee ourselves?

Would it even be helpful?  

I don’t think so. Here’s why…

Bessel van der Kolk, a trauma researcher writes “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”  from The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

So what do we do with what we’ve seen? What do we do with what we normally don’t have the chance to see?  

And if we do allow ourselves to see ourselves – how can that be a positive experience instead of a soul crushing awakening?  

Here’s my story about the parts of myself I wanted to betray and abandon last time I was isolated and unsure, and unable to find my new normal.

I was at home after giving birth for the second time. But before I tell you that part I have to back up…  

I went to all-girls school for middle and high school. It was one of the first all-girls schools in the United States founded to support young women in getting an education so they could go on to college, have careers and support themselves.  

My early education taught me that you cannot wait for the world to be ready, for equality, you just need to show up and use your voice. And… so I did.  

I got to college and watched in total shock as young women were spoken over loudly by male classmates.  I wasn’t surprised that they were spoken over – I was just surprised that most of the young women shut up, got quiet and went away.    I would think “Wait?! What had just happened?” I read about this in books. I had seen it in movies. But I truly had not witnessed it in person. I was shocked.  

I didn’t see the point in blaming the male students or the culture at large. It is not where I wanted to put my energy. After all, what did I have control over?   All I could do, the only thing I could control, and have domain over was and is me – and so I proceeded.

I spoke. I was seen.   I learned a lot.

I learned that not everyone liked me speaking up like that. And I learned that others loved it. Neither response really mattered so much…all that really mattered was that it felt right to me.

Then after many years of education and work… Motherhood. Cue the scary music.

No – it wasn’t scary because I abandon my baby. It was scary because I nearly abandon myself.  

If you want to step into an idealized role, where there are LOTS of ideas about perfection that can NEVER EVER be met…welcome to Motherhood. (I am sure Fatherhood or Parenthood have their own heavy load, but I want to talk about what I know best.)  

Now, I know not all of you reading this are parents. That’s good. And not everyone wants to be a parent – that’s good too.   I am always an advocate of people acting on behalf of their own self interest. And this does not = selfishness or narcissism. More on that another time…  

What I am really talking about here is how we can betray ourselves or how we can choose to belong to ourselves and claim ourselves.  

Remember my amazing all girls education that helped me feel confident with my voice, opinions and choices? There was one thing missing. Not once in 6 years did anyone say anything about the value of Motherhood.   Then 20 some years later – I am at home with a newborn baby. I have a step child who is 12 yo and another child who is 4 yo and a baby in arms. A baby, I wanted to have. A baby I planned to have.  

I also planned to take a year off from work and had the privilege to do it. Truth is – I also could not see any other way to do it. We did not have family nearby to help and we could not afford full time child care. And while I had tried to juggle growing and managing a part time business and 2 kids, it was really nearly impossible to do anything other than tread water. So when the 3rd baby came, I thought, maybe I will just be home with the kids and maybe that will suit me?!

One day, one of my oldest dearest friends called me to see how I was doing. My days – a blur of nursing, diapers, laundry, naps and shuttling kids to activities and school. I had little to no sense that I was “getting anything done.” I had been able to stay somewhat ‘productive’ when balancing work and parenting 2 kids, but now with 3 – “productivity” as I had come to define it, was gone. 

Anyway – back to my friend who called – since she was not a Mom yet, I didn’t want to chat about babies. And since she had a career, I was painfully aware of my lack of career at that moment. Plus, my world felt small, I just wanted to be carried away into a bigger world through her stories.

She was working as a writer and editor. “How are you, I asked? Oh what? Just back from Morocco? You interviewed Brad Pitt?! Tell me more…” I listened and we laughed.  

But when she asked about me? I didn’t think I had anything to report. I mean first of all Brad Pitt?! But I am not a star struck person usually. So it wasn’t that. Brad Pitt aside – I couldn’t think of anything much to say – I had a baby, “how un-extraordinary” I thought to myself.  

I know that’s sad. It makes me sad to reflect on it. But if I am being honest about what happened at that moment in time – the truth is I was embarrassed and ready to abandon a part of myself in her company. I was ready to devalue my choice to have another baby and stay home because I was not willing to see myself. I was trying to see myself through what I thought were her eyes.  

In  the context of talking to an old friend – one who I had been brought up with to value work and a career, but not Motherhood by our school culture and context  – I gave up owning that part of myself while I was speaking to her. I wanted to abandon it.   And let me tell you not owning that part of myself felt AWFUL. It hurt. It  hurts me now. Watching myself trying to discount and disown a REALLY important decision I had made was horrible.

I had made the decision to have another baby with heart and excitement and now…I am going to just throw that under the bus?!  

So…back to the question of what can we  do when we see and encounter parts of ourselves that we didn’t know were there? That we didn’t know existed. How can it be positive instead of soul crushing?  

Get curious. Look. Listen. Make it visible.

I got curious about that feeling, that dread. Why did I feel so undervalued?  

I sat with it. And it was not comfortable!  But I knew from experience and from my work – that if I ignored this experience – this glimpse of myself I had just had – things would not get better. They may go underground and out of conscious awareness, but they would not get better until I sat with them and was willing to see myself more clearly.   

I knew that I was , as Bessel van der Kolk said above,  going to be at war with myself if I didn’t take a look at this.  

You know what I became aware of by listening to myself and paying attention and letting it be made visible?   That there was another war being waged that was internal – part of me that felt ashamed for putting my career on hold. That part of me had a lot to say. I listened.   And part of me felt like I needed to be home with my baby in order to be the best Mom I could be. I listened to that too.  

Those two parts of me were at war. The way I had internalized the messages of how to be valued and good and do my best in the world were in a tug of war.  And it became very clear that  I could never win.   So I sat with the two parts. They were in a way like two children arguing to be right. And neither was ‘right.’ And they both had to be seen and heard.  

I learned how to hold space by being the awareness for both of those parts of me that had taken those external messages in. I learned to rise above both tugs of war and to see them both.  

A few weeks later I talked to my friend again. I asked her “do you recall our school and all of those women who educated us to be our best selves ever telling us that it was valuable to be a parent? To be a Mom?“  

“Nope.” She said. And then she offered me a gift…  

“Why do you think I am nearly 40 and it is just occurring to me that if I want to have a baby, it may be too late?”  

Ah… at that moment, I realized she was suffering too. Just in a different way.  

There was clearly no ‘right’ way to do any of this. No right way, no formula for a satisfying fulfilling life.  I mean I knew this, but still I had fallen in to the trap and allure of thinking that maybe there was some answer outside me.   

If I was going to find a way forward – I would have to see myself. And decide for myself what I needed and wanted to live my life.   When I was looking to others to tell me I was valuable and good enough, I would never be satisfied.  

I  wanted someone to see me – haggered, tired, overweight and nursing and tell me I was valuable.  I would have to learn to give that to myself.  

I recently watched the documentary “Becoming.” During the film, when Michelle Obama was asked by a young black teenage girl “How did you,  as a black woman,  persevere through invisibility?”   She answered, “For me as a Black Woman I never felt invisible. And thinking through my story about why now, I don’t feel invisible, I think it is because my parents made me always feel visible. It came not from what was going on in the world, but from what was going on at my dinner table. My Mother, she let us ask anything…you had to be polite… but that invisibility, it starts here (pointing to herself). We cannot wait for the world to be equal to start feeling seen. We are far from it. Time will not allow it… You’ve got to find the tools within yourself to be visible and to be heard and to use your voice.”  

This call to action is for all of us. No matter your gender, racial identity, class identity, role in your community  – every single one of us has the tools within to be visible and to be heard.

  And in doing that – you being willing to see yourself, then o one else can lay claim.

You may not have been as fortunate as Michelle Obama to have a Mother who saw you and believed in you. Or maybe you did, but you dealt with so many other adversities and traumas that it was not enough and you’ve lost your way. 

Fear not – it is never too late. You have the tools to see yourself and to hold the space for all of you. You have a Body + Your ability to direct your Attention. That is all you need.

These two tools that you have – you can learn to use them to see and heal yourself – all of you, especially the less than perfect parts. When you use your Body and your kinesthetic sensation as a way to develop your self awareness you will progress by leaps and bounds. Biology is on your side here! Use it to end the war.  

Eventually, I did. I decided not to wish away any part of me but to radically practice accepting all of me – I started owning the fact that I liked to work and that I like to parent. I really prefer to do both and I am better at each one because of the other. I started owning that I wanted to be a Mom – even to my friends who didn’t want to be a Mom. I started owning my choices, owning my story.

So here’s to us. To knowing ourselves. And to embracing and loving on every imperfect last square inch of it. Because in the end, it is all we have got. We have ourselves. And once we are willing to see ourselves in all of our shortcomings and imperfections…there in lies the liberation.  

Lots of love, Astra

Well, here we are.

Where you ask? Dunno exactly. But all of us are in this together. 
 
We are in a transition like no other. Not a single one of us has ever experienced this before. There are no experienced guides to lead the way. 
 
So what to do?

What is the best, sanest most fun, healthiest way forward in this transition?

What is the best way to proceed with a transition you didn’t go looking for or try to create for yourself, but a transition and change that happened to you instead?

You know the answer…

The  last time you were stuck in a place waiting, but not sure how or when you would get out, what did you do?  
 
Maybe when traveling – you were grounded by a thunder storm or waiting on a canceled flight. You couldn’t control the weather, but you could call the airline, or talk to the gate agent, or make contingency plans… you could take actions that made it feel like you were ‘doing’ something.
 
Or maybe you have experienced being stuck and in place because you were sick and bed ridden?  Again, you couldn’t ‘control’ what had happened – but you could do something – you could sleep, rest, drink liquids,  take medicine or herbs to support your recovery.
 
During those experiences – you took an action. You did something to improve the situation. 
 
You know why you did something? 

Because it is how you are wired  – you are wired to survive.
 
We have Nervous Systems that sort for danger –  trying, at all times, to keep us safe. When we sense a threat – before we can think or consciously process a thought, before we are EVEN consciously aware  of the danger – our Nervous Systems respond. Our Body releases  hormones. 
 
Thoughts are too slow in many cases to keep us alive…but our Autonomic Nervous System – it is like “Shazam! I’ve got this!”  
 
The action the Nervous System takes to keep us alive? 
 Fight, Flight or Freeze.
 
Now here we are in a situation where many of us are not quite sure what to do when we try to think about it. We are gathering info the best we can, but  it changes daily. We lack the big picture. 
 
But lacking the big picture didn’t stop us. Right? We got busy. We took action.
 
We shifted to working from home, we applied for unemployment, we sought alternative employment to keep cash coming in. We gathered our families. We switched our routines. We became home school co-teachers with on line school. We figured out how to get food to our aging parents or neighbors. We sewed masks. We made things. We baked bread. We created new systems to get our mail, groceries etc. Some left homes and apartments behind to go seek safety elsewhere. Some started to work more – way more.
 
But no matter the specific details of your life, when “this” all started –  you took action. You did something.
 
And that was your Nervous System, a healthy nervous system looking to do something to stay safe, fed, employed etc.
 
Bessel Van Der Kolk, a trauma researcher who studies PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), compared PTSD in the communities who were directly affected by Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans vs. Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico.
 
First let me say – both populations suffered tremendously. That’s no joke and it is and was horrible and treacherous to say the very least. 

Both communities have measurable PTSD. However,  one group has lower incidents of PTSD than the other. 
 
Why? 
 
First let’s look at PTSD. The Nervous System senses danger it fires – FIGHT, FLIGHT FREEZE.
 
But what happens if we don’t act or we don’t respond to that natural impulse of the nervous system? What happens when we feel like we can’t (that person is my parent who I depend on), we are socialized not to  react (nice people don’t yell and kick), or because the outcome if we responded would be worse than if we don’t (If I run from or yell at my Boss, I will get fired).
 
When we don’t run away from the threat because say….the threat  is our Boss. Then we don’t get to discharge the impulse from our Body and act like our Nervous System wants us to.  
 
We can end up with a Nervous System that in a sense – gets stuck in a repeat loop of Fight? /Flight/Freeze. 
 
When that happens – we find ourselves tense, with aching muscles, a sore body, cracked teeth, unable to sleep, exhausted even when we sleep, jumpy, quick to react to sounds in our environment, angry, scared,  sorting for danger. Or we can also instead get spacey, dissociated, numbed out with drugs alcohol or food  in order to deal and damp down the feelings. 
 
Just last week over a family lunch, my 9-year-old was asking me what PTSD was?
 
He had a bad mountain biking accident a year ago. He flipped, hit his head (with a helmet on) and blacked out for a few seconds. Then he stood up, and started walking toward me saying “we have to get out of here Mom!”
 
During  our convo about PTSD he asked – “when I see the accident in slow motion in my mind is that PTSD? “
 
Me – “No. That’s healthy. That is your Body and Mind – your nervous system trying to work out what happened. It is trying to allow the nervous system’s reaction out of your system still – allowing a discharge of the energy so it does not get trapped. It is also trying to keep you safe so you don’t try that expert run again going that fast until you are ready.” 
 
During our lunch convo with my son – my psychotherapist husband chimed in – “the difference between the flash backs you have and a person who has PTSD –  is that you have other support systems. You are still able to process what happened  without it being too much.  You are still able to process the nervous systems response and function and thrive.”
 
Then came the best part….
 
My son – “that means that Willy Wonka has PTSD! Remember how he was really upset that his Dad the Dentist who  wouldn’t let him eat sugar? Now he has flashbacks of it.  I guess that’s why he eats sugar all the time.  It is  because of his Dad.  He never really grew up.” 
 
Goodness! Well… yes!
 
So back to the communities affected by Katrina & Maria. The difference?

Most people hit by Katrina got moved out and told to stay in a stadium and wait on aide. Tragically, many were never able to return home or to rebuild. 

Whereas with Maria – more people were able to return when the storm passed, and they were able to roll up their sleeves and take action. They could haul trash and sweep glass…they got to act like their survival depended on it.  It did. 
 
All of that clean up  post- Maria  meant that there were far lower incidences of PTSD in the communities hit by Maria. The Nervous System  got to express itself. It did not get stuck in a loop. 
 
So, where does that leave us now? Sheltering in place, wearing masks to get groceries. How do we process our natural response and not trap it in our Bodies? 
 
We take action and then, we rest. 
 
Many of us are settling into a new way of working, of getting groceries etc. We are creating new routines. 
 
We have made the biggest adjustment, but now that we are settled into a new pattern…we are starting to think “is this it? Is this my new normal?”  
 
And we don’t know.  
 
Please remember to practice REST. We got busy and we got REALLY tired. Now it is time to rest. 
 

“For proper functioning, all nervous structure needs full activity 
followed by full rest.”
-Moshe Feldenkrais

 After the zebra gets away from the Lion, it rests. 
 
I danced this morning. Then, I rested.
 
In order to be able to act again, to do what is needed when it is needed,  you need to rest.  Today and every day.
 
It can be very hard to find rest after going hard for a while – after doing what the Nervous System wanted. 

It takes a lot more to turn off the Fight or Flight than just wishing to relax. So after you take action, you have to know what to do to calm yourself.
 
There are some very simple practices that get the attention of the Nervous System quickly and easily and RESTORE balance.
 
Here is another FREE AUDIO  to help you  rest and restore balance between your Fight or flight and your Rest and Digest. You need both.  Both are healthy and normal responses. We just need a little more help with the rest and digest most days, especially now. 
 
In this particular lesson the only thing that moves much is your Attention. You have to sign up below to get it…
 
More to come. And in the meantime…
I wish you all the best. You are doing this! You’ve got this!

Best to you always, 
Astra