I just got home from a trip to Egypt with some of my oldest friends. Together we shared amazement, laughter, and so much love. From age 12 to now so much has happened – careers, businesses, love, children, divorce, birth and death. To be together, experiencing something ancient and new was true gift . It changed me.
Back at home, with all that love in my heart, I find myself wishing I had another trip to look forward to. I want a cure for the sadness that the trip is over.
This is human nature. Most humans live in a state of doing. We run after this and that convincing ourselves that we will feel better when we do X or if we achieve Y.
We’ve gain access to more options, autonomy and independence, conflating what we do and what we pursue with how it is we want to feel about ourselves.
Many practices will tell you to learn how to “Be.” Be still. Watch what comes and goes. Don’t attach. And while I know this is a valuable practice it is also only ONE practice that may help us find greater happiness and satisfaction.
The truth is we are alive and what is alive moves. Cells move. Breath moves. Human bodies move. Human minds move. To be alive is to move. Movement can be on any continuum. It can be a trajectory of improvement or decline, growth or regression.
What decides which way it goes? Self awareness, and an ability to move your attention to the whole picture. Ultimately exterior circumstances play a small part.
Students come seeking change. They want to feel better, hurt less, experience resilience, have greater capacity for what they encounter in life. I love supporting these endeavors. But when I encounter students who have made it their life work to ‘fix’ themselves, it is really sad. No matter how much they change, or learn, or improve, they find themselves dissatisfied.
Why?
I believe it is because that they have not connected to the whole of themselves. They discard the accomplishments they make because they are still imperfect. Instead they focus on a wound, or a story that says they are broken. They do not feel that they are not enough as they are.
Every human on the planet has a moments of believing they are not enough. It is what many teachers call ‘The Ego.’ The Ego that wants you to believe that as you are you do not deserve love, and satisfaction. It tells you to go on seeking things outside yourself, trying to become something other than what you are – a perfectly imperfect human.
We all had to trade off things to be cared for, to fit in and have our early needs met. Many of us learned to pay attention to what was outside of us more than inside of us.
I understand this.
The first few times I did Awareness Through Movement lessons it was a game changer. It was clear that I was in a whole new conversation, guided by entirely different values than I had ever experienced before.
Each verbal instruction for movement, had no demonstration, nothing for me to imitate or emulate. Instead, I was asked to refer to myself and to decide what was valuable, pleasurable and enough.
It confounded me. I was used to going for it. Tell me the goal and I will get there, even if it is at a cost to myself, my own desire or pleasure. If I win, you will value me, notice me, praise me. Sad, but true.
Now I was faced with a teacher who would not tell me if I was doing anything right or wrong. Instead, my teacher was creating a learning environment for me to be able to sense and feel myself for myself. I could decide what I wanted to do or not do. I could decide what felt pleasing, interesting, or worth pursuing. It is what we call intrinsic learning. It is the opposite of what most of us experience in school or most methods of education.
I was learning to belong to myself.
Week after week I learned to attend to myself. To pay attention to my self talk, my emotional responses and to my movements. Little by little I gained insight into my habits of being, thinking and doing. I could see the ones that landed me in the same place again and again.
I learned how to differentiate between satisfaction and temporary pursuits.
Would another trip really make me truly happy? Nope. I know that.
Somedays in class, I got angry. Somedays I left the room in the middle of the lesson. Somedays, I muscled through with a clenched jaw cursing under my breath at myself or the teacher.
Yet, it was the most interesting experience I ever had had. After each class, regardless of whether I liked it or not, if I followed the instructions – I felt better. I had learned something new about myself – what stories I was telling myself, what I was capable to changing. My ability to change my relationship to myself became crystal clear. I was getting to know myself intimately in a whole new way.
I gained compassion for myself and others. I also gained new perspectives and values. I learned to value myself. Valuing ourselves is no small feat.
As women it is easy, and biologically wired, that we attend to things outside of ourselves. Learning to attend to ourself is a process. Rewarding. Satisfying. Game Changing.
That is what was so special about being on an trip with my friends of 40 years. We have all grown and changed. Yet, it seems we have all become more ourselves. We know, love and support ourselves more than ever before. It is truly gorgeous!
I love witnessing students learn to connect with the whole of who they are. I love the delight of watching as they discover and embrace desires, and idiosyncrasies . They begin to see themslves as a process, not a product. They begin to love the process of life. They begin to love themsleves more too.
This is what I wish for every person – to know you can evolve and change for the rest of your life. You are enough right now too.
Love, Astra
