A few nights ago, my neighbor hosted an outdoor concert. As my family walked through the woods, the sun was setting. We came to an open hillside amphitheater with a stage below. The music began.
Slowly one person made their way to the front stage and started to sway.
Song by song, more people stood to join the dancing. I was feeling a little reserved and (frankly) judgmental. The music wasn’t exactly ‘my type’. I didn’t know a lot of the hip young dancers. They were decades younger than me and barefoot. I was showered, in clean clothes, shoes, and gold earrings. I felt old. I wanted to dance, but since this was not ‘my thing’, some part of me didn’t want to like it. Some part of me didn’t want to be so happy and joyous with such simple music.
Then a really cool song began with a mouth harp and a lot of percussion. I got up and joined the dance. I was as wild and joyous as the people around me. I was moved to tears feeling the music move my body. I felt the energy of connection to something bigger than me – something life giving.
Throughout our whole lives, both internally and externally, we need to allow somethings to go dormant, get composted, or simply to let go in order to allow contentment and happiness to grow.
There are the obvious things we could let go of like the unused things in our house, or toxic relationships, but there are also many things that are holding us back that are just under our radar. Messages from our families and our cultures sneak in that we rarely consented to consciously.
I nearly got stuck in egotistical judgement that night that would not and could not help make my life better in any way.
Connecting to our body provides the most consistent, concrete way to know what we are doing so we can do what we want. Your body is your partner in everything you do. Yes, you age, get sick or have accidents, but even then, the signals of your body are much easier to track and know.
Don’t believe me? Spend a few hours today following your emotions or thoughts. Write down what you think or feel every hour of your day. Does it give you a consistent clear picture of yourself? Or does it seem like you have multiple personalities?
When things sneak into our lives and become governing principles without us consciously choosing them – we can find ourselves feeling confused and out of sorts. Have you ever said something like “I have a really good life, but I feel unsatisfied” or “I feel lonely even though I am surrounded by people?”
The other night, I could have sat the whole evening and returned home bored and depleted. I would have felt disappointed that the night wasn’t much fun. I could have even gone so far as to say that ‘there aren’t fun things for me to do where we live.’ I could have been a victim. But really if I chose this I was a victim of messages from my culture than don’t line up with what truly supports me.
Moments like these are places where we are riding the brakes and pressing the gas at the same time. These are the places in our lives where we want to feel one way, but we can’t seem to get there. We want THIS, but we are also invested in THAT. As long as we are attached to THAT unconsciously, we will never be able to grow and get to THIS.
Take loneliness – before the pandemic, in 2018, Cigna conducted a study and found that a quarter of Americans don’t have people in their lives who they feel understand them. Only half of Americans have daily meaningful interactions with other people. Two in five people surveyed sometimes or always felt as though they lacked companionship (43%) and said that their relationships are not meaningful (43%) and that they are isolated from others (43%) and that they no longer feel close to anyone. Only 26% knew most of their neighbors. A third have never interacted with their neighbors.
(This epidemic loneliness may not exist in every culture, but as the values of Capitalism continue to be exported to the world, be sure these unnatural values are coming your way. Be conscious in your engagement.)
These studies show us how people long to feel and be more connected in a meaningful way, yet can’t quite figure out how to do it. It is a great example of where we push the brake and gas pedal at the same time without knowing we are doing it.
Let’s break it down a little – American culture puts emphasis on individualism. We are told to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, yet we are lonely. We will offer help, but we hesitate to ask for it. We fear that to live in close community with others we would have to give up something we also want. Each of these ideas is too simple.
What would you need to give up to be more connected? And joyful?
I doubt it is what you think.
When we attend to our sensation and our bodies, we EASILY discover where we are pressing the brake and the gas at the same time. You can literally feel where you are actively doing something that is making a movement harder. For example, sometimes we are sitting down to relax and we notice our jaw is clenched or that we have closed fists or shallow breath.
Pay attention to that. Squeeze your jaw tighter, notice if there is a sound you want to make. Squeeze your fists tighter. Notice if there is an action you want to take? After you try this, see what you feel. Better? More aware?
Messages about how we’re supposed to live, and what success is literally live in the posture, the movement, the nervous system, and the habits of our body. Not only do we internalize these messages, BUT we have our own internalized human desires that are often in conflict with this. (Hint – our innate desire is not purely individualistic.)
These cultural habits can feel harder to uncover for many reasons. For one, we often internalize them when we are children. Then when we call them into question, something or someone in our culture reassures us that if we just try a little harder, we can have it and be it. We are told what is hard is worth having. But whatever is in conflict with our true desire will never be achieved.
All I wanted was to feel welcomed and to dance. The only thing holding me back was myself.
The more we learn to attune to our bodies, the clearer we get about not only what we need, but what is holding us back.
This is why after doing lessons many people have AHAs and INSIGHTS as to what is going on with their body or patterns. The pattern is just an intersection – a muscular contraction, a firing in the NS, a pattern of neurons firing and wiring together. Each pattern has a: movement, sensation, thought and emotion. With practice – you can attune to your body – and see the patterns you internalized. Then, you can decide if you would like to build another pattern instead.
You are fully capable of exercising this kind of awareness. You already have it. Notice the ways in which you are not satisfied or feel lonely. Know that it is not your fault. We live in a crazy society. Truly insane. You know this. When you discover what you are holding onto that is holding you back from what you want to experience, take a risk. Experiment and notice how you feel.
At one point my son joined me dancing. I honestly don’t know if I have ever seen him do that in public. He was jumping, smiling, radiating pure joy. I was so happy.
When we got home he said “You know it is embarrassing to dance. But if you can just get over that, it is so much fun! I had the best time. I want to do that again!”
Leave it (on the dance floor or wherever you want).
