I have been writing to you for a few months about the importance of paying attention. I have been urging you to pay attention to what is painful, or uncomfortable. Yeah that’s me – that gal;-) We talked about how painful things will persist and keep coming back to get our attention again and again in the hopes of motivating us to change. It’s hard right? Let’s make it easier.
TODAY LET’S TALK ABOUT WHEN NOT TO PAY ATTENTION TO PAIN..HOORAY!
Sometimes the best thing you can do is ignore the pain, interrupt it, and send it packing. The question is when?
There are 3 things that come to mind –
Scenario 1 – people with persistent chronic physical pain. I am thinking of students I have had students who had multiple surgeries, were on major pain meds, still had pain, and then got off the meds to learn how to live with it. They learned to pay attention to what is not painful, and to what feels good. Overtime they literally grew the pleasure centers of their brain! They taught me so much- especially about the power of taking ownership of where we put our attention. We are not the victims of our lives, our minds, or our emotions or thoughts. We have agency…
Scenario 2 – No control over the situation: Where’s the Agency then? I have an outdoor sitter who’s been hiking with my youngest child part of each week. Where we live in the mountains, July brings storms most afternoons. Last week – it didn’t just storm and pass. It stormed a lot. Every single day.
While my son and sitter were on a 5 hours long hike, there was a big lightning strike. On my end, while at my office, I heard the same lightning strike, then the hail started and the wind began blowing the rain sideways. I tried to call and text them. No luck. I dashed home hoping to find them there. My husband drove to the trail head hoping to find them.
Pretty soon, thankfully, my son and sitter showed up on our deck, having sprinted the last mile home, shaken but fine. We dried off, debriefed, talked about what they could do differently next time. And eventually my son had a big cry. We all knew we had done our best with what we had control of.
A few days pass, I am back at work, my son is back with his sitter. They are staying closer to home and we have a rain shelter up should they need it. I am starting to wrap up my work, and there it is another huge clap of thunder.
I was worried about my son – not his ‘physical’ health – but his heart and mind. I knew he would be frightened a lot more than usual given what had happened days before. Because of Covid concerns – we are not having anyone outside our immediate family in our house at all. So, I wanted to be sure that the sitter felt safe and that my son did too. I dashed home again.
A few days pass. I am at work about to leave. Another loud thunder clap. Sky shakes. This time I know everyone can be safely inside, no sitter that day. But when I hear the thunder, I look at the sky and I get angry. I may have even raised a fist;-) I was shaken.
Now while it is kind of funny to see me shaking my fist, angry at the sky– it is also not funny. It was a sign that I was way more stressed out than I realized. I mean if I am angry at something I have ZERO control over, I know I am super stressed.
Here comes my agency…
Irrational anger is a signal that I need to attend to myself, to slow down and recalibrate. Each of us can do things to build our resilience and balance our nervous system to get out of fight or flight. Something like this video. Try it. (you can get access by signing up for my newseltter below).
Scenario 3: When I am telling myself an old story. Hidden Agency.
Long ago, I was sitting with a Spiritual teacher who was teaching me meditation among other things. One particular day on my drive to meet my teacher, I heard a story about women in Afghanistan who wrote poetry. It was illegal for them to write it, let alone to share the poems with anyone. So, the women wrote their poems in secret and hid them. Sometimes they sewed the paper into the fabric of their skirts so that they could secretly pass it along to another poet when the moment was right.
The story, was on the radio, and the audio captivated me. By the time I walked in to greet my teacher, I was feeling really sad and guilty about all the freedom and incredible privilege that I had and the lack that these women had. I was guilt ridden knowing I had not done ‘all I could’ with my privilege.
So, when I went I sat down with my teacher, I shared my grief about these women in Afghanistan and my concern that I was not doing enough with the freedom I had. Her response really surprised me.
She looked at me directly and said “Step out of the drama triangle. You are either the Victim, the Rescuer or the Persecutor. None of them are good roles. They all chase each other around. Step out of that story completely. If you are moved to do something for them, then do something, but don’t pity them. You’re feeling guilty and sad isn’t helping anyone.”
WOW! Did that snap me right out of my mood. Like Cher in Moonstruck – SNAP OUT OF IT! You know the truth when you hear it. It stung, but it helped.
Feeling guilty about what I had – my freedom and privilege and it wasn’t doing me or ANYONE any good. Being angry at the thunder wasn’t doing me any good. But unlike the thunder – I could choose to do something in support of these women if I wanted.
That is what my teacher urged me to consider – did I want to do something about it? Have a fund raiser? Pray? Or did I just want to keep beating myself up about it? I had the Agency to choose. She showed it to me when I had forgotten.
Act if you are called to act, make an improvement or if there is something you want to or can do, do it.
But if there is nothing to do directly about the situation or what needs doing is not mine to do at that moment – consider making rest and building your resilience, your stillness and your peace a priority. Because let’s face it – one week it’s thunder and lightning and the next, it is something else.
You can find your center and not get spun around in every storm.
Doing a movement practice with YOUR BODY is the fastest and most reliable way to calm your mind, heart and nervous system. When you enter through the Body, you can move out of Fight or Flight and come to your sense in the present moment. In the present moment, when you are not in fight or flight, you are free to act in a new way. And in the present moment, everything is manageable.
It is a practice. All we can do is begin.
Here’s a video to help you come to your senses in the present moment, build your capacity for resilience and calm your mind and heart. (sign up for my newsletter for access to video by email)
Wishing you all the best,
Astra
